My BFF L is a writer. She is currently working on an alternate history story about us at our 20th High School Reunion(which was this last Fall). Starting back in our early high school days, what if we had taken the other paths. What if we had gone left instead of right? What if we had pursued that relationship instead of forgoing romance? How would those changes have affected us 20 years down the road?
We talked at the beginning of the week and she asked me how did I want to be changed/presented in the book. Did I want to be married? Did I want children? Did I want a career? I gave her quick answers because it’s all fantasy and fun….BUT…
So I’ve spent a great of time this week(while trying not to) about the paths not taken in my life. Lots of “what if” thinking going on in here. Somewhere in the dark reaches of this psyche of mine there is a teenager who is still waiting to make her move, a 20-something sitting still at the starting line & a 30-something wondering if the parade is already over and if we(I) really wanted to see the damnable parade to begin with or not.
The last 30 so years of my life have predominately been controlled by fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown etc etc etc. But mostly the fear of being out of control. You see if you are 100% completely in control there is no chance for pain…at least that’s the theory in my head. So I’m always just a bit shocked when I get hurt. So I ratchet down a little tighter, and a little tighter and a little tighter. I add another layer or mask to my collection to keep that pain just a bit further away.
Almost 10 years ago, someone I loved introduced me to Josh Groban. One Song in particle struck me hard, and I return to it time and time again.
I don’t know the answer to this one. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Perhaps someday I will have the courage to just let go and risk the fall.