SO…the loan was approved and I am having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, other wise known as Gastric Sleeve on June 1st! Part of me is scared stiff, part of me is angry, and another part is very excited.
Scared: It’s major surgery in a foreign country. I’m going to let a doctor I don’t know take out 90% of my stomach!! The rational part of me understands that the fear is more about life AFTER surgery the the surgery itself. I’m scared that I’m going to fail at this just like I have failed all of my other weight loss attempts. What if I can’t deal with life as a thin(er) person. I don’t have a CLUE what adult life is like thin(er)! I’ve never been anything but a fat adult!
I’ve joined several closed groups on Facebook for gastric sleeve patients and a message board group as well. It’s great to be able to ask questions or answer questions and get to know other people who are doing the same thing that I am. But I always leave wondering if I’m going to be a success story a year from now. I see these great before/after pictures where women and men have lost 110lbs in the last 9 months and feel and look amazing…I read “I’m at goal weight of 145 lbs. and loving life!” and I can’t help but think I don’t have a CLUE what 145 lbs feels like. That was the 5th grade! I have no memories or experiences to draw on as an adult and that scares me. I don’t like the unknown! I like details I like to know things. If I know things I can be in control. Control equals Fearless. No Control equals EXTREME fear/anxiety.
ANGRY: I can’t believe that I am allowing myself to doubt so much. I have done my research. I KNOW that this is the right thing to do. I KNOW. I’m emotional. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been losing some weight on my own and the excess estrogen is screwing with me or what, but I’m emotional, and that messes with my control which just messes with ME. I’m angry that it has taken me 20 years to finally make this decision and stick with it. When I tried 20 years ago I gave up when I was told no. I didn’t push I didn’t try, I just took No as my answer and walked away. I’m angry that I feel like I need to keep this surgery hush-hush for fear of what my “crunchy” friends with think. I have a number of friends who truly believe that all problems in life can be solved by becoming a vegan and running. I know most of them will give me grief about taking the “easy” way out of losing weight. There is nothing easy about this.
EXCITED: After 20 years of wishful thinking it’s finally happening! 16 days from now I’m actually having weight loss surgery!! Life is changing! This time next year I’m going to be able to ride roller coasters again at Six Flags! This is my chance. I’m going to make changes and set goals. I’m going to meet my goals. I’m not going crazy with impossible goals like weighing 125 lbs. I know better. I’m making obtainable, realistic goals 🙂 If I surpass them? YIPPEE!! If I only meet them? YIPPEE!!
For years this song has been my “someday when I’m stronger” song. Now it’s MY song 🙂