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“You are such a Narcissist!” was recently thrown at me during an argument with my sister K.  It has become clear over the last few months that as much as I want to live with K and help raise Brenna, that is not in anyone’s best interest especially mine.  This has become a huge issue of contention between us.  K feels like I’m “deserting” the family and “walking away”.  I need major change to happen before we can continue to live together. K is unable and/or unwilling to do any changing.  I am the one expected to do all of the changing.

Since turning 38 in May, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, ‘deep’ thinking and praying.  I have spent the majority of my adult life taking care of other people.  I’ve been a nanny, a Pre-K teacher, a home health aide and a hospice aide just to name a few.  I think I am a nice person, I hardly ever say “No” when asked to do something(and it’s taken me years to get to the place where I can say ‘no’).  I’m to the point where I think I should have some joy in my life.  I have put myself last as long as I can remember, and especially so in the last few years.

I’ve given up a lot for my family including love and the possibility of having my own family. If someone needs something I do everything in my power to make sure they have it.  I have done without so that K could have the little perks she thinks she needs to survive.  She gets to have pedicures on a semi regular basis, she gets hair cuts, she goe to the chiropractor she gets new clothes.  I haven’t had a pedicure in 18 months! The only thing I have done for myself since the baby was born has been to color my hair twice.  I’ve been to the chiropractor twice because I literally couldn’t stand up straight.

Perhaps I have turned into a Narcissist.  I don’t care any more.  I’m tired of dreading my next conversation with K. Knowing it will end the same way it always ends with me feeling horrible and more than likely with her yelling.  I’m tired of never having money to do any of the things I want or need to do.  I have been putting off going to the Optometrist for 18 months!!  Every time I have the money worked into the budget something happens and it gets spent on something else.  I’ve been wearing the same pair of monthly disposable contacts for 8+ months!  I want to be able to buy a $7 bottle of hair dye and not feel like I’m stealing something from the family because I’ve done something for me.

Maybe I just need a vacation..oh wait..that’s selfish and I’m only thinking of myself! Silly Me.