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It seems like all I’ve been doing for the last few months is apologize for not posting more.  But here I am again.  Life has been…lets say rough, for the last couple of months.  Our adoption of Brenna was pushed back due to another of our Lawyers cases, but yesterday we went to Court to finalize her adoption!

But I didn’t adopt.

My sister K who has been the chosen “Momma” from the start decided that she would rather not share parental rights with me.  While we had discussed it before, the Lawyer lead me to believe that due to the financial requirements of private adoption jointly would be the way to go as I am the main, and until recently, sole income into our home.  

I arrived at Court to find K talking stridently with the Paralegal, upset because both of our names were still on the adoption agreement.  My heart sank as I quickly realized she was still intent on removing me from the adoption if possible.  To keep the peace and what little family harmony we have left, I didn’t fight her.I had thought I had made her understand how both of us adoption was good for Brenna, but all she could see was that I would have “control”. I think also she didn’t want to set precedence in the State of Texas for two women to adopt the same baby. 

I managed to hold it together through the court proceedings, I lied through my teeth by telling the Judge that I agreed that the sole adoption by K was in Brenna’s best interest…which I really don’t think it is, but that would have just opened up a HUGE can of worms.

K and Brenna are planning to move to the small community where my parents live if at all possible by the end of the summer.  There are 3 or 4 other babies in the neighborhood Brenna’s age, and Ki would have more social outlets then where we live now.  Our Church Family is over there as well, so she would be able to be more fully involved with Church.  Right now we are a 30 minute drive away, which makes getting to evening meetings difficult.

I’m not sure what my next move is going to be.  I am very tempted to take this as a sign that I should go else where for a while.  Take some time away from my very…needy isn’t the right word, so lets go with INVOLVED family.  I’m very torn, my Dad’s health is not the best, and I know realistically that he probably only has a few more years with us.  Do I stay and continue to just survive until Dad passes, or do I go and hope for more out of life than just survival?? I have an EXTREMELY strong sense of Family and Sacrifice.  I dont’ know if it’s a Southern thing or just an “Us” thing, but it is deeply ingrained in me to sacrifice “self” for the “Family”…and that includes happiness. If my struggle can help the family, then I struggle, if I need to do without so that the bills get paid and the others get some of the extras they want/need then I do without. etc.  

I’ll be posting more as I try to process everything.  If you have read this far THANK YOU.  There is some relief in knowing that someone out there somewhere might be reading this and saying “I understand that” or “Thank God that’s not me” or evening “Crap, how screwed up is that woman!”