This is just one of the questions I’ve been pondering this past week. I’ve always needed time to be alone and have activities or things that only belong to me and are not shared with my family. For example: My Writing. While I don’t “hide” my blog from my family I also don’t throw out links to it on my Facebook account, my sister Kirstin and a cousin are the only ones who know about to my knowledge. I’ve NEVER let my family read my attempts at fiction, and I’m not sure I ever will. It’s the same way with my poor attempts at painting. They are mine to share with a few select friends..or in the case of my blog everyone but my family.
My sister is the exact opposite. She wants, needs and expects the family to take part in what ever adventure she has cooked up. She can’t stand to do things alone.
She can’t stand for me to be involved with something she isn’t…if I do it then she should do it too. If I insist on doing it alone or with a friend, there is mega guilt involved. Passive-Aggressive behavior is common…to be fair I do my own share of this, cause you know confrontation is tough, and if it gets physical I’m the one that loses.
I haven’t written a word outside of this blog in almost a year. My poor novels sit untouched collecting cyber-dust. It just haven’t been worth the headache or fight to get time alone with the computer to write without her being around and possibly trying to read the screen.
When I have expressed the need for “Me Time”, in a round about way I’m informed I’m being selfish(occasionally it will come straight out) and I need to think of her and I as an “US”. Especially since we are now attempting to raise Brenna together. We are a ‘couple’ raising a child. I need to be thinking of “Family” vacations, not a vacation with my Best Friend.
My Head and my Heart are really fighting on this one. My Head says just give up any big ideas, I’ve been taking care of other people my entire life. I just need to buckle down and deal. I’m a Martha and there is no point is trying to change it.
My Heart says I’ve spent the last 30 years taking care of other people in some form or another. I deserve to be more then a nursemaid. If my heart is craving peace and tranquility that’s what I should chase. I’ve been a Martha long enough, it’s my turn to be a Mary.
Logic and Emotion are telling me very different things. I know the answer has to lie between them somewhere. Lets just hope I can figure it out before I go completely crazy!
Note: Please forgive the way things bounce around in this post…I’ve edited and added things more then a dozen times. I’m finally just letting it go as it is. ~S