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When confronted with the prospect of seeing J(Brenna’s BioMom) for the first time since August I find myself seething with anger towards her and the situation.

I’m angry that she refuses to make any effort for either of her children.

I’m angry that she refuses to seek out or follow through with any kind of treatment for her mental health issues or her drug problems.

I’m angry that she has lied and stolen from me repeatedly, yet I’m the bad guy for “stealing her child”.

I’m angry because she has rejected this beautiful baby for reasons I can’t even get her to explain.

I’m angry because she is causing emotional trauma to her 2 1/2 year old daughter, but thinks that she is the best “mommy” ever.

I’m angry at myself that I can’t explain to some of the other family members everything I know and understand about J.  J’s issues go way beyond being “bi-polar” I truly believe she has Adult Attachment Disorder, which is the adult version of Reactive Attachment Disorder found in children(usually adopted) who are unable to create lasting emotional bonds due to abuse and/or severe neglect in the early formative years (0-4).

I’m angry that J’s parents(her bio uncle & aunt) don’t stick to their guns about not supporting J financially.  They have allowed her to move back in with them 3 weeks ago after she broke up with boyfriend #??(at least the 6th one in the last 14 months).  They just moved her into a 5th Wheel on their business compound and they are providing her with a job, and allowing her daily visitation with B.A. her oldest daughter.

I’m angry that J’s parents don’t see the emotional damage that seeing J is doing to B.A.  B.A. started chewing her fingernails back in October after seeing J for the first time in 2 1/2 months.  She has chewed them all down to the quick.  When she ran out of fingernails she started picking at the skin of her upper lip until it bled.  In the last couple of weeks of seeing J on a fairly regular basis B.A. has started chewing her toenails!  This child is in emotional distress!  This is not the behavior of a healthy child!  She is stressed out and can’t verbalize it for herself.

I’m angry that I’ve become so jaded that I don’t believe a single thing that J tells anyone.  Unless I can verify the information myself or hear someone in authority confirm it I don’t believe it.

I’m angry because I can’t communicate the way I want with some of the family.  They just aren’t open to talking about J and the girls.

I’m angry because those same people, mainly J’s parents, are missing out on getting to watch this amazing little being grow up.  We see G, J’s mom, at church most weeks and she occasionally holds her, but nothing like the relationship she would have had under different conditions.

I’m angry that some of the others in the family still buy into the crazy lies that J tells without questioning it, even though she has lied about everything for YEARS.  J has an amazing gift of being able to mix just enough truth into her stories to make them seem believable most of the time.  You can always be sure that some part of her crazy story is true…but not an important part.

I’ve been informed through family that J has told her parents that she has Breast Cancer.  That is one of the reasons that they are allowing her to stay on their property and work for them.  She had her mom take her to the Cancer Center over in Shreveport, but wouldn’t let her mom go in with her.  Is it possible she has cancer? yes…is it likely? No.  The details don’t work out if you start to probe.

She lives in Texas, if she was diagnosed and was put back on Medicaid of some kind(which she hasn’t been I checked) she would have been referred to a Texas treatment center.  Instead she told her mom she had been referred to LOUISIANA…She wouldn’t let her mom go to the appointment with her.  I’m still trying to find out if she only had her mom drop her off, or if her mom actually saw her get called back to see a doctor at the cancer center.  My guess is that she had her drop her off and her mom didn’t go inside.

I’m thinking this is like the time J took my car for 2 days and missed an important prenatal visit.  Her excuse for not answering her phone, calling me back or responding to any of my texts was that she had been informed that her sister Jen had been murdered and she had gone to identify the body.

I completely bought that story, until I called the coroner about getting the body released for burial…low and behold her sister Jen was sitting up at the County Jail, had been there for a month and would before for 8 more months!  J still refuses to admit she lied to me about Jen or tell me where she really was during that time.

I think word about the cancer was headed my way so that I would give in or reach out to J.  That’s not going to happen.  The ball is in her court.  If she wants contact with us she knows the phone numbers and can reach me on Facebook if nothing else.  We are not denying her visitation, all she has to do is contact us and tell us she wants to see Brenna.  The only contact we have had with J since we had her served with the notice of suit was a short series of messages on Facebook that we initiated.  We gave J 4 days to tell us what she wanted to happen to all of the things she had left at our house.  When we didn’t hear from her we took all of the clothing to the charity shops.  More than a week later she asked us about the clothes…and “Oh how is MY baby” tucked in at the end of the last message.  that was in October.

I’m angry at myself for feeling guilty about wanting to physically punish/hurt J as an expression of my anger…Every time I think about seeing J again for the first time, I envision slapping her or grabbing her and shaking her.  I want to wake her up, shake some sense into her etc.  I’ve never been prone to violence, but J pulls it out of me.

So, I sit here and try to reconcile all of these various levels of anger.  My head and heart aren’t making a connection at the moment.  Thankfully I have this blog, and a handful of WONDERFUL friends(several of whom read this blog too!) who are willing to let me vent and give me great advice to help me work through everything.  Slowly, I hope this anger can become acceptance for the things I can not change.