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Someone asked me this week why I was spending so much time, money & energy on pursuing guardianship of Brenna when she isn’t my child.  This is why:

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I am “Nanu”, I am the caregiver, the 2 am feeding, rocking, singing, Mozart playing Nanu.  We are bonded by both blood and love.  If Kirstin & I take care of her she will never have to wonder who her family is, at least our part of it…She will be able to know her big sister and her cousins all of whom adore her.  I know there are a LOT of great Foster Parents out there…but I also know there are a few who aren’t.  I have worried and prayed over this precious little girl since the moment I knew she was existed.  I watched her come into the world healthy despite all of the odds that said she might have some major birth defects.  We watch, hopeful, as she meets her first developmental milestones.

4 hours later:

As I was writing the message above J called me.  She was upset, she had read something on Facebook that made her think Brenna was being adopted, and she didn’t want to lose her baby and she wanted to do what she had to do to be able to come back home to our house.  I gave her the phone number for the CPS worker and told her to call.  We set a meeting up for tomorrow morning(Sunday 8-11) at 9am just J and us to talk and hash something out.  About 20 minutes later I got a message on Facebook saying that she had a very important meeting that she couldn’t miss in the morning, and she would get a hold of me later.  When I asked she said she was meeting with “other family members” and that this was the “first step” in her really changing her life.

Kirstin & I both went into panic mode thinking that she might try to sign guardianship of the baby over to someone else and we would lose her.(this has been threatened in the past by J when we don’t give her what she wants)  We think we know who the “other family member” is…and possibly even what they are trying to do. That only slightly lessens the fear.

We are both trying desperately to pray “Thy Will Be Done”…but it’s so hard because we know what we want, and how we want it to happen, and WHEN it happens.  A part of me is terrified that after spending almost 6 weeks worrying, caring, and loving this little soul we might lose her completely. 

I’m struggling to let go of the worry and fear and hand it over to God.  My head and my heart aren’t really seeing eye to eye so to speak.  I’m not sure we will be able to sleep tonight.  So for tonight we may rock a bit longer, sing an extra song, cuddle that extra few minutes with the thought lurking on the back of our heads that we may not have many more of these moments. 

Thank you so much for your prayers and support.  It has been a comfort knowing that we have people out there who are praying for us and about our situation.  I’ll post something tomorrow after we meet with J…assuming we meet…I’ll post something 🙂

 

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