I am “friends” with many old classmates from my time at Upper Columbia Academy (Boarding High School) on Facebook. I love Facebook because I can “keep up” with everyone without having a real relationship with most of them. One of those friends is Darin. He graduated a year or so before me, but we have become friends on Facebook and we reply to each other’s posts on a regular basis.
Yesterday, Darin send me a private message saying “I think you are one of the funniest facebook friends I have, your self-deprecating humor is hilarious!” I sent back a cute response but Darin got me to thinking…dangerous I know. I didn’t say any of the scathing things that popped into my head but I so wanted to, like:
“When you ARE the elephant in the room you should at least try to be an entertaining one”
At 37 I’ve come the realization that I’m never going to find that magic diet that will shrink me into the tiny blonde beauty that I have spent most of my life dreaming about. If I can’t deal with who I am, how can I expect anyone else to either? Would I like to be 120 lbs of slim, trim beauty? maybe…but I can’t really imagine that. I’ve never been 120 lbs as a grown woman. I went through puberty at 175lbs.
I would love to be able to blame someone for my weight/body…but who? My parents for the genetic bullet that made me a ‘throwback’? The doctors for failing to realize there was more wrong with me then just being “Lazy and Overeating”. My child molesting next door neighbor who added his own layer of crap to my already over loaded brain through which I would spend years filtering everything through? My Church Leaders who interrupted my childhood dozens of times by moving my preacher Dad from church to church to solve their problems? God him/herself for not making me right to start off with? Blame doesn’t change anything. To be honest it doesn’t really bring any comfort either.
I’ve learned that if you can’t laugh at yourself, you will constantly be in tears because of something said by some well meaning person(and a few mean spirited ones). and there are funny things that happen as a fat woman.