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I know as we grow spiritually we will tested and tried by Satan in hopes that we will get discouraged and fall back into our previous darkness…and boy is he working over time on me!

I am continually fighting apathy and a touch of depression.  Every time I think I’ve turned a corner, I get hit with another wave and realize it’s not the corner.

I have been the sole income in the household for the last 6 weeks now.  We are staying afloat, but barely.  I think this is going to be the first week where I won’t be able to pay all of the bills on time.

I can’t seem to get a dog adopted out to save my life.  I’ve pretty much reconciled myself to keeping most of them.  I love the rescues I work with, but I’m out in the boonies, and they forget about me unless they want something…like transporting a dog out to them.  For the first time I said “NO” to a transport this last week.  I just didn’t have the gas money to do it.  The person who asked wasn’t quite sure what to do…of course paying my gas was never going to happen.  I still smack my head.  I should have gotten into little foo-foo dog rescue, that rescue pays ALL of the foster parents expenses including food!  I pay for everything myself except the spay/neuter…and I’ve had to cover that a couple of times too.

I love my job, but two weeks ago I lost 8 hours a paycheck.  The new client I was promised switched agencies and it doesn’t look like there is another one coming in soon. I love my job, but I need more than 18 hours a week!

My cousin, who is having the baby, has flown the coop, and I haven’t had any real contact with her in 10 days.  I went to pick her up and bring her home last week and she didn’t show up.  I haven’t heard from her since.  I have sent her several messages on Facebook, and I know that she has read them, but she hasn’t responded to any of them.  She has missed her last two doctors appointments, and the office informed me that they would be automatically rescheduling her appointments and having me let her know of the date and time,so that Child Protective Services would have a record of how many she misses before the baby is born.  I don’t know if she is upset with me about something, or if she simply found another guy who will buy her pot for her.  It’s disappointing, frustrating and sad all at the same time.  I want to help her and this baby so badily, but she just doesn’t know how to accept true help.

For the first time I’m applying for State Benefits for myself.  I help other people get medicaid and food stamps all of the time…but I’m actually applying for food stamps for me!  Being a household of two with no children we won’t get but about $150 a month, but if it will get me through the next couple of months I’m going to swallow my pride and do it.

I keep reminding myself that for the Devil to come after me so hard I have to be doing something right.  So I’ll keep depending on God to give me great gas mileage so I can get back and forth to church 3 times a week (64 miles round trip).  I’ll keep paying my tithe even though it is tempting to hold it back…that would be my dog food money for the week.  I’ll keep up with my devotional time in the morning, despite a lack of sleep at times.

Faith isn’t always easy, and I’m a naturally pessimistic person to start.  So I struggle at times (OK, a lot).  But this journey is going to pay off in the end, even if so much of the journey down that beach only has a single set of footprints. Praise God, Jesus can carry my burdens no matter how big I am!