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I had a heart to heart with Laura, my BFF of 23 years, tonight.  We have very similar issues and backgrounds.  Tonight we sat and wondered about how our lives would have changed if we had just made a few different decisions in the summer after high school graduation and in our first year in college.

I wasted my high school and college years head over heels in love with a boy/man who didn’t realize I was there.  There were a couple of guys that I was kind of interested in beside HIM, but I didn’t allow myself to pursue them because of my severe body image issues, and also because you know, HE might, maybe, realize that I do exist and then I wouldn’t be available…I know…I wasn’t the healthiest person psychologically back then. (I think I’m a better now… lol)

I was so worried about what other people thought of me, and I was so hungry for companionship/friendship that I made myself in to the fool more then once.  I allowed what other people thought of me to influence what I thought of myself.  If someone else told me that I couldn’t do something..well they were probably right, so I didn’t even try to do it.

I felt very moved to be a student missionary.  I would go and look through the giant book of available positions, and there were several that stuck in my head and I really want to do…the first one was to be a midwife assistant to a mission family in Nepal…the second was to be a care giver at an orphanage in India.  I was turned down by the College’s Mission program director…She thought I was too fat to go to the mission field…even though I was in good physical health, and had a good work ethic and a passion for what I wanted to do.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had pushed harder and gone to the mission fields of Nepal…

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had allowed myself to fall in love with someone who could love me back…

Would I go back and change things if I could?  I’m not sure.  The decisions I made, did some major damage to both my physical and mental health…and my financial health may never fully recover…but I don’t know if I would change or not…I don’t know that I would have meet some very dear friends if I hadn’t taken this path.  I think I would have been happier much sooner if I had made some different decisions.  But perhaps there were lessons I was suppose to learn by taking this path.

Perhaps someday God and I can sit down and review it and see how my life would have been different if I had taken those other paths.  Until then all I can do is move forward with the life I have made and make better decisions in the future.

Is there something that you would change if you could?