Depression has been my companion more often than not, since I turn 11 years old. In many ways Depression is my longest and best friend. You see, I know what to expect from Depression. I know her ins and outs, ups and downs. Over the years I’ve learned that after I hit a weepy phase I should get anywhere from 3-6 weeks of mostly good days. Then a month or so of ok days, not good, but not bad.
If I notice when I start to have more bad days than ok days with bio-feedback and a few other coping skills I’ve learned over the years I can keep from turning my sometimes bad days section of the cycle into the bottom and slowly cycle back up. If I don’t really notice, or I don’t do anything about it then things get pretty bad, and it takes a lot more bad days, and usually medication, to start the swing back up. I consider myself lucky, I have a fairly dependable depression cycle it is extremely rare for me to go straight from good days to bad.
For years, I blamed my depression on a lack of faith. Because if you are faithful and “REALLY” love Jesus then you aren’t depressed, you are happy and filled with joy. Since I was so depressed it reasoned out that I wasn’t be a good Christian, I was living a lie, those feelings just feed my depression. As the years have gone by I’ve come to terms with my depression for the most part, when it comes to my Christian walk/Spirituality. it’s still a struggle many days, but I continue to try to walk the walk.
I understand my ‘issues’, the psychology of my depression has been clear since my mid-20s. Genetics plays a very large role in my depression, as do sexual abuse, a close-knit(but quasi-dsyfunctional) family, and spiritual gifts left unused. I no longer have to deal with the “why do I feel this way”, and have moved into the “how do I deal” phase.
Lately there have been more bad days than “bleh” days, and I’m fighting the one strong desire my depression brings.
There is a part of me that fears sharing my true thoughts and feelings…who wants to be known as the ‘downer-friend’? But when you go through a cycle of more bad days than ok days what do you do? I tend to shut down…no phone calls, facebook, or blog posts. Isolation until I feel able to be at least a little positive. Sometimes that means days, other times that means months. This is one of the issues I’ve been trying to fight(unsuccessfully the last few weeks) so bear with me if my next few posts are a bit more “bleh” than normal.