The Truth

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Today is the first time I’ve even looked at WordPress since my last post.  I’ve followed several blogs directly, but I haven’t touched WordPress.

My life hasn’t been any more hectic then usual.  In fact, my work hours have dropped, I’m almost back to just working part time.  My stress level is still about the same(sky high).

I’ve tried to pull up WordPress several times, but just couldn’t make my hand hit ENTER to bring it up.  If I don’t want to read what I feel like writing, why in the world would anyone else?? So I surfed a different direction.

But maybe I just need to write and not worry about the cheeriness of the content.  I am depressed, sad and feeling very small(not to be confused with skinny).  SO…here is what is going on with me.

Family life is VERY trying/tiring/painful at the moment.  My sister K has chosen to take a VERY different approach to parenting then I would.  She has chosen to use corporal punishment, and take a very authoritative approach.  I am NOT against using corporal punishment.  I think pretty much every child could use a good spanking at some point.  Let me say K is in no way being abusive to Baby B.   K is not going on overboard…it is just not how I would have chosen to parent.  It’s how our parents did things and K seems to have such harsh memories of what she can remember from our childhood I don’t get her choice.

I have major control issues.  I’m not even going to try and guess where they stem from…blame who ever you want.  All that matters is that I have them.  I need to be in charge.  If I’m going to get the shit end of the stick, at least let it be my own shit.

I am so tired my IQ is dropping.  I’m sure there is an awesome word to describe life beyond exhaustion, and I’m sure I knew it at one point.  Now I exist in the mental fog with a moderate vocabulary and zero ambition to use it.  I don’t think I have slept more than two hours in a row for at least 8 weeks now.  I go to bed at 9, I toss and turn and go to sleep about 10. Dogs get me up at 12 to go out.  Let dogs back in about 12:20.  Up at 2 to let dogs in/out and to use the bathroom myself.  If I’m lucky I’m back asleep by 2:30, but a lot of time I don’t drift back off until 3.  back up with dogs at 5am and baby is up by 6:45. rinse and repeat.  My best sleep is between 10am & 1pm if I can manage to get the house to myself and don’t allow the guilt of not being at work to keep me from sleeping.

At this point I’ve diagnosed myself with Extreme Adrenal Fatigue.

I’m depressed and I know it.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do about it.  It’s not so much a chemical imbalance as it is a situational/Life problem.  Either way I could really use an Rx for some Paxil and maybe a little Valium.  I could REALLY use some Ambien.  Ambien is my friend.  I have been hoarding the last few pills that I have left from my last refill.  I think I’m going to take one tonight.  K & B are away at Grandma’s house and it is just me and the animals.  Sleep is possible.

My spiritual life is lacking to say the least. There is so much anger and hurt, and more anger when I think about my local church.  Church has always been there for me.  No matter what life threw at me I always had church activities to fall back on until I felt solid again.  With the current pastor at the helm that doesn’t exist either.  A friend suggested that I read a book called “Wounded by God’s People” She said her Husband has found it very therapeutic.

Tax season is coming and I look forward to getting back the little I allowed them to take out, and I find myself day dreaming about taking that little wad of cash, and just disappearing for a few weeks.  No internet, no cell phone, no contact with my part of the world.  Of course I’m the GOOD child, so I could never really do that to my family, but I want to…I so want to just run away.

So, that’s the current truth of my life.

I’ll try not to stay away so long again.  I do miss blogging.

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