Feeling Guilty, Productive but Guilty

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My Brother had a VSG done Tuesday afternoon in Tijuana.  So now all 4 of us have had VSGs done in the last 9 months.  Of course he is going to lose all of his weight in a matter of months, but that’s ok, he’s a guy. It just happens that way.

On to my guilt.  K went to hold S’ hand as his wife, the family breadwinner couldn’t take time off work to go with him.  I have been K free since 10am Feb 1st.

Yes, this song really do run through my head at one point!

Grandma was super sweet kept Baby B Sunday & Monday night so I could go and get some projects done at my friend’s house, which is NOT Baby B friendly(the friend is but her 11 year old Great Dane is NOT).

Even though I didn’t get home until 1 AM Tuesday morning, I was still able to get up and clean the main bathroom about 7am.  It was GROSS.  I still need to deep clean it, but at least all of the counters and the floor are clear of clothes and bottles etc. I worked a full day, picked up Baby B from Grandma, came home, fed the kid, cleaned 3 litter boxes, fed dogs, put the kid to bed, did 2 loads of laundry and spent 2 hours on the phone with the eldest sister.

Before I get into Wednesday let me tell you about my Laundry Room.  This room is a nightmare. We have never really used our back door.  Until recently there was nothing in the backyard, and the stairs were unsafe.  A small wooden table that was suppose to be a laundry folding station, which became a gathering ground for unclaimed/lost laundry that then multiplied and plotted to take over the world.  I haven’t been able to get within 3 feet of the back door in at last 18 months.

Wednesday morning I got up, made breakfast for Baby B, Left her to watch Curious George while I put a dent into cleaning the Laundry Room.  I was able to clear off the table move it OUT of the laundry room and into the Great Room area until it finds a new home.  I did 5 loads of laundry, most of it just a quick rewash of ‘clean’ stuff that had been sitting there for 6-12 months.  The floor is picked up and I SWEPT!!  Showered & dressed both of us and then Baby B and I went to work for 6 hours.  Came home and put Baby B to bed, and did all of my timesheets, notes & mileage for this week, cleaned litter boxes, feed dogs and flipped out the laundry again.

That’s when the first huge wave of guilt hit me.  I’m feeling so productive and happy.  Tired, but happy…and it’s all because K is gone.  I’m a horrible person for being happy that another person is gone away.  Then I remembered my word

COURAGE

I can face the emotions and deal with them! I do not have to hide from them.  I don’t have to stop being productive and happy because I am feeling guilt about not missing having someone around. Having this bit of freedom is a reminding of how stressful life is when you feel stuck and unable to move forward.  I’ll be happy to see K when she come home Saturday night from Tijuana, but I also know that my progress will probably stagnate again.  My energy will be diverted back to dealing with life with K.  But there is a hint of  light at the end of the tunnel now! I think…

 

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