The Struggle

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(Note: I’ve written, rewritten, and written this post again and again… plus Royal(the ginger cat) thinks my chest is his bed even if I have the keyboard in my lap)

I struggle with the desire to allow other people to see the “real” me.

Could I handle the pain and pleasure of letting my masks slip away and allowing people to really see me?  I had a small panic attack over this issue this week.

I’m going to try and drop one of the masks I hide behind over the next year.  I’ve decided to have Weight Loss Surgery some time in the next few months.  I’m going to stop hiding behind the physical mask of fat.

I’m not sure I know why this mask developed.  It probably has something to do with my sexual abuse as a child combined with my natural genetic tendency towards being heavy and the wonderful gift of PCOS(yes I’m being sarcastic there).

There has not been a diet free year in my life since the age of 9.  I’ve tried everything from grapefruit to cabbage soup to pills to herbs to starvation.  Nothing has giving my any long term success.  I’ve looked at having WLS several times in the past and it just never worked out.  But things have changed this time.

I found out several weeks ago that I have lost my battle at staving off Type 2 Diabetes.  My blood sugars have been through the roof and no change in diet is touching it.  Even oral medications aren’t doing as well as they should be.  The time has come for drastic measures.

SO, My sister K and I are going to Mexico, hopefully at the end of May, and have the Gastric Sleeve procedure done.  We have done a lot of research, talked to a lot of other people and are very sure about what we are doing.  In fact we pretty much have decided where we are going to have our plastic surgery done too! (not Mexico)

This decision has brought up a lot of mixed emotions and thoughts.  I haven’t told very many friends that I’m having this done, and we are pretty sure we aren’t telling any of our family except our parents who will be taking care of Baby B while we are gone.  One of the friends I did tell made the comment “Just imagine, a year from now you will have to beat the guys off with a stick.”

I’m perpetually single.  Other than a very heartbreaking online relationship a few years back and my unrequited high school sweetheart, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t even know he was my sweetheart,  I have ZERO relationship experience. I’ve never even been out on a “real” date one on one with a man.  I’ve always been the wallflower girl that you come home and cry to after a bad date!  Can I even think about dating a man who wouldn’t be willing to date me now?  Can I allow myself to be loved thin, when I wasn’t loveable fat?  The Fat Acceptance side of my head says that I am the same person fat or thin(ish) and if I can’t be accepted as fat that don’t come bother me when I’m thin.  But that brings up other issues too…

I’ve always been fat.  As a child and pre-teen I was active and fit but on the chunky side.  When puberty and the PCOS hit I moved from active and chunky to just chunky.  I read on the facebook groups about how excited these women are to get back into size 8 pants or fit into a size 10 dress.  I don’t have those memories to fall back on.  I was a size 14/16 at 12 a 18/20 at 18.  I have been in plus size clothes my entire teen and adult life.

Lots of scary things that I need to face and deal with in the next few months!!  But I got the word, we got our loan approved!!  Surgery date to be scheduled soon!!!!

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