When ‘Home’ is no longer Home

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Please bear/bare with me I’ve rewritten and edited this post for more than week, and I still can’t achieve the flow that I was striving for, so I’m just going to post it anyway! Hopefully you can understand my wandering from thought to thought.

Texas, specifically the Piney Woods of Northeast Texas, is “Home” that’s where the majority of my family lives, that’s where we are from.  I’m proud to be “Texas Born & Raised”.

I love my family, I would gladly give up my life for them.  Up until recently I would give them anything/everything I could, even to my own detriment.  I have learned through some hard knocks/betrayals/heartbreaks that I am a very different creature than my immediate blood family.  I’m not sure how it happened, but it has.  To be a “Good” Daughter/Sister/Cousin I have to be less or different that I truly am.

Here at ‘home’ I am restrained, I hold myself back from doing and saying the things I really want because of the blow back I would get from my family.  It’s just easier to be the person they think I am, and be the ‘real’ me online and with my friends.

Two weeks ago I FINALLY got to take a week of vacation up in the Seattle area. The Pacific Northwest tends to feel like “home” to me, even though I’ve never lived on that side of Washington State.  I always get a sense of  peace, and longevity, and being rooted when I’m there.

I got to spend 5 amazing days with my BFF #2 C & her husband J.  There was such freedom!  I had 5 days where I didn’t have to analyze and then re-analyze my word choices, walk on eggshells or worry about my “sub-text”or tone of voice!   I didn’t have to analyze the potential fallout of taking a strong position on something that they might not agree with me on. I knew there would be no snide, mean. or passive/aggressive comments from C or J because of how I said “Good Morning” or “Lets eat, I’m hungry” let alone red button topics like religion & politics.  I could be ME, the real me!

I spent my final morning in Seattle fighting off a panic attack.  I didn’t want to come home to Texas!  I didn’t want to come home to the excessive stress, the anger, the frustration, the constant tongue biting and jaw clenching!  I wasn’t going home, I was leaving home.

I came to the realization that “home” is no longer really “Home”.  Now to figure out how to change all of that for the better.  I’ve spent 13 years saying “someday” or “After Dad is gone”…I’m soon to be 41.  There aren’t that many “somedays” left!!  Do I really want to spend any more of them as unhappy and stressed as the last year has been??  How do I get my family to understand I need more than they can give me without anyone feeling guilt or blame?

Many things to ponder as I look forward to my next trip “HOME”.