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Good Morning! I slept better last night then I have in quite a long time.

I woke up on my own at 5:30am. Not so thrilled about that, but what’s a girl to do? So I’m showered and shaved and ready for my day. Just wish I didn’t have to go anywhere! Unfortunately I have to make an appearance at the Church Camp Out.

I wish my social family would realized that I don’t need the same kind of interactions they do to survive. I have no need of polite, social conversations about the weather or someone’s family members I have never met.

I crave quiet and stillness. Solitude is my dream! Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my family. As much as they drive me insane, I love them and want to spend time with them. But sharing every detail of my life with them isn’t what I want. I NEED to have secrets from them. I NEED to feel like there is a part of me that is just for me.

For the last 9 years I have shared a home with my younger sister. I love her. She is my only full sibling. We are very similar and we are complete opposites. There are times when we are talking about our childhoods and I wonder if somehow she is from a parallel universe?? Maybe I am…who knows. We don’t remember the same things, or events. I am a homebody, she would go out and “do something” every night of the week if she could. I am happy to be alone, she hates it. etc. etc. etc.

As you have probably figured out already we are in need of some deep, long term therapy. Our relationship is very unhealthy, and over the last year it has gotten dramatically worse. I had thought that my settlement with Bayer would solve 75% of our problems.

Even if I only got the bare bones settlement I would have enough to pay off all of my debts including the mortgages on both my house and my parents house. I would have enough to set her up in her own place! This week I received word that my settlement is being delayed by Bayer and my case may not go into settlement talks until Spring or Summer. Which means that I won’t get an actual payment for at least another year!

I don’t know if I can survive another year. While I adore the baby in a lot of ways she makes things worse. She has intertwined things even more then they already were.

So it’s time for some in-depth soul searching and a lot more prayer, and talking with my closest friends. There has to be some alternative I’m just not seeing. I am going to call my doctor friend and get a Rx for something…I can’t continue at this stress level.

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